you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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