Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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