just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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