I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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