the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
