I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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