Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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