please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
