I puked a lego.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
