you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
