she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
