last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
