I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize