i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
