how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
