I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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