I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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