if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
