is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
