Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
