No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
