i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
