shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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