She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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