we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
