I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Randomize
