Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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