I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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