My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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