Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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