Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
