She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
