Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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