he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
