By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
