The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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