I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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