we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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