dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
