i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
