my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
