My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
