She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
