I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
