So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
