I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I've blown a few things in my day
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize