Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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