dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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