There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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