I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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