i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
