just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize