He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
