So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
