Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
