Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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