you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
