And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
