Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize