Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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