how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
