Girls should come with a carfax report
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
