Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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